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I feel like I’m currently in that loop. I feel like I mentally prepared myself for this period but that I am failing miserably. I have no strength left and just want this degree and extra work to finish now. I am tired, exhausted and spent. It is almost as if I was looking for it. I was pushing myself so hard during the race almost like I wanted to sabotage myself to suffer at the end. It is almost like I wanted to go back to being in that state of mental breakdown, fatigue and hopelessness so that I could analyse it to see how I could beat it or how to cope with it better. That feeling when you have no energy left and you start getting angry and agitated. I started getting angry at the organizers for putting hills at the end of the race. I started getting angry at the sun, the loop, the wind, myself, I just wanted it to end… In this moment it was hard to pull myself away from that anger. It is how I feel right now. I feel anger towards the extra module that I have to do, I feel anger that I am so tired, and I feel anger that life must be so difficult for me to succeed. I feel anger towards the small stuff, like waking up early in the morning and it takes me so long to get ready. I feel angry that I have to learn so much at the internship job and that I wasted so many years and am so far behind. I feel angry towards myself and I just want this degree to end now.
The only thing that worked, was for me to stop completely and not allow my disappointment to get the better of me I took a step back and decided to let go of all the pressure. I wasn’t gonna worry about the past as I could not go back and change it and run slower. I was not gonna worry about the future and the target of 3:30 as it had slipped out of my control and I had to accept that. I was gonna let go and pull myself back to myself in the moment. I went down to walking distance in the shade and decided to just walk the rest of the way and enjoy the present and reflect on what a beautiful day it was and how fortunate I was to be a part of it all and the atmosphere. I let go of all my cares and even my shoes. When I reached the pit stop (water hole) I drank two cups of water, two cups of Coke, and two cups of Powerade. I realised how much I needed to just choose myself and care for myself above all else. Never mind the time, the pace, the heat, the wind, the fatigue. In that moment I put myself and my wellbeing first. I felt better and even felt capable of moving my legs and running again. It didn’t feel too bad when I got back into the running motion again and even felt that I could increase the pace and was almost back to the same pace I was running throughout the race, barefoot, no less (as I couldn't find my shoes again). I felt comfort in the fact that I did not give up and even though I was walking, I was still in the race albeit in a different mental capacity. I got so caught up in the idea of finishing the race in a certain time and not being beaten by that loop again that I lost sight of the spirit in which the race was intended to be run. It’s not always about finishing the fastest. I gave it my best and for that I am proud. Although I did not finish in the targeted time, I still achieved a pretty good time and for a good part of that race, I was truly flying:)
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